How to Offend a Hobbit
by Sakrea
Summary: Thorin Oakenshield finds out the hard way that sharing even the smallest details of a hobbit's relationship might get him upset. Bilbo/Thorin Implied movieverse
1. Chapter 1

This is my first attempt at a Hobbit fic, as well as Bagginshield.

Sorry if the characters are out of character!

This was made as a response to this a lovely piece of art.

This get to it, because of the whole link thing with FF, go to tumblr. Where you would put a username in the url, put: dionysusmonster

Then, following the rest of the url, put: post/39172215082/i-need-a-fic-where-thorin-embarrasses-bilbo

Sorry about the trouble, couldn't get it to work though.

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Dwarves, Bilbo had very quickly learned, were a rather gossipy bunch. Perhaps it was the sheer monotony of trees and dirt roads and walking, but should the smallest thing occur within the group, they would break into a fuss that even the most obnoxious of housewives couldn't hope to compete against.

"Ticklish?"

"I would bet on that."

Bilbo was finding it hard not to hate the lot of them. "Excuse me, but I am sitting right here." He huffed.

"Aye. So are they ticklish?" Bofur asked, grinning devilishly around his pipe.

Bilbo responded with a huff and crammed a biscuit in his mouth.

Across Beorn's rather large table, Fili nudged his brother. "I don't know why we're trying to pry information out of our shy little burglar when Uncle here could answer our questions. Are Mister Baggins' feet ticklish?"

Thorin cast a look at the halfling sitting behind him, ignoring the annoyed "don't you dare," muttered at him.

"I am not at liberty to discuss such private matters." He answered after a moment, though there was the barest hint of amusement on his normally stoic face.

"And they should have the decency not to ask." Bilbo grunted.

"We aren't asking you to discuss the direction from which you enjoy being taken from, Burglar." Dwalin cut in. Bilbo almost choked on his drink.

Nori leaned over the table. "Exactly. Strictly speaking, your relationship with our leader plays no real role in this."

"I suggest you answer the question before someone has to try it out for themselves. Easy enough operation what with your lack of shoes." Kili piped in.

It was in that moment that Thorin's expression darkened. "That would not be wise." He said, wiping the smirk off of his nephew's face in an instant. After but a moment, the dark gloom rose from Thorin's face and he resumed the rather regal act of gnawing on his meal.

For a moment, the table was at peace, the company seeming to give up on the endeavor, settling into an awkward silence with only a mildly smug look on the hobbit's face to break any tension. Until Bifur spoke up.

Due to the axe head stuck rather firmly in his skull, the poor dwarf could only speak in an ancient dwarven tongue. However, that didn't stop the rest of the dwarves from suddenly choking back noises of surprise. Even Thorin jerked his head up to look at him.

"What? What did he say?" Bilbo asked over the now muffled laughter of the company. If he was honest though, he was a bit afraid to ask.

Thorin, eyes on Bifur and rather blatantly ignoring his company, replied easily, "Not as much as you would expect considering the amount adorning his feet." He then took the most nonchalant sip from his cup (much to Bilbo's fury), and continued. "However, anymore hair and it might hide his portly midsection."

"Curves to rival any fine dwarven lass!" Bofur shouted and the company burst into hysterics. Even Thorin looked to be attempting to contain his mirth.

Well Bilbo was having NONE of that. Not now, not ever. With his embarrassment coloring his neck to the tips of his ears, the hobbit released an affronted noise and was practically sprinting toward the door before anyone could react. He heard one cry, from whom he could not tell, caught up in their laughter as they were, shout after him to "come back, we're only poking fun at your belly! Oh that just makes it funnier, doesn't it...?"

Out the back door of the main hall Bilbo went, down the wooden steps and into the lush grass surrounding Beorn's house. He could still hear the muffled commotion of the company inside, but as much as he would like escape into the solitude and quiet of the trees the darkness of the night kept him within the torchlit area. So it was there that he stood, his absolutely not ticklish feet driving hard into the grass as he adopted an stubborn and absolutely Tookish posture; Arms crossed, mouth set in a firm line, brows furrowed, and releasing the occasional annoyed huff.

It was rather odd, looking back at how this all started. No, not the running off an an adventure with thirteen dwarves and a meddling wizard part, he had already accepted that part as normal enough. No, what was now odd was how he had gone from being a burden to a dwarven prince's companion in a matter of just a few hours. After that rather horrifying incident with Azog, Bilbo had managed to not only get himself into Thorin's good graces, but later that day had gotten the dwarf blatantly declare his feelings for the hobbit. It was a confession that went something along the lines of "Halfling, I owe you my life, but all I can offer you is my heart." How could he refuse that?

Apparently, when one accepts such an offer from a dwarf, privacy is thrown to the wind. That night, Thorin had spent the night with his arm clamped firmly around the hobbit's waist, visually and later verbally laying claim to him. At the time, Bilbo had been embarrassed by such a display, but part of him found it thrilling. This dwarf, whom had hated to be associated with him, now vied for his full and complete attention.

Thorin, during the short time together, had begun a rather drastic mood change. Whether it was due to the newfound companionship or a giddy euphoria about not being hunted or put in danger the last few days, Bilbo couldn't say. All he knew was that Thorin had taken up the habit of giving him little smiles that made him feel warm and loved. He also seemed to be more willing to talk, mostly to Bilbo of course, but he even seemed to be putting on a more friendly air for the rest as well.

"I think I preferred it when he was broody all the time." Bilbo grouched into the night.

"I do not brood." A voice rumbled behind him.

Bilbo tried his best not to look startled, but the dwarf prince had managed to be surprisingly light on his feet during his approach.

"I don't want to talk to you." Bilbo sniffed, turning his nose up.

Two thick arms wound themselves around the hobbit's middle, dragging him close. Bilbo squirmed in the grip defiantly. "No, no, no!" Bilbo twisted in his grasp, firmly planting a palm on Thorin's forehead and thrusting his head away. The prince looked a touch baffled by the ridiculous position he was being pushed into, so he reluctantly released his companion. He tried to regain a touch of his composure by brushing at the fur of his coat, his expression turning to neutral.

"What would you have me do?"

"Leave. Go back inside and laugh with the others. I'm in no mood to deal with you right now, Thorin Oakenshield." Bilbo gave him as firm a glare as he could muster, then turned, shuffled his crossed arms, and glared into the night.

After several moments of silence, there was a shuffling sound in the grass and then the encircling arms returned, but this time, far lower. Bilbo felt Thorin's arms clasp around his waist and his face press into his side. He looked down to find the dwarf prince on his knees beside him, embracing his midsection.

The hobbit sputtered in response, trying to come up with words to express his distaste, but coming up with nothing.

"My deepest apologies, Master Baggins." Thorin rumbled against him. "I meant no disrespect."

"Let me go! I am very cross with you right now!" Bilbo shot back, trying to take a step forward, only for Thorin's strong grip to pull him back. As an afterthought, he grumbled, "You're squishing my 'portly midsection'. "

"That was merely meant as a compliment."

"Oh? The wild hysterics say otherwise!"

"It was not meant to be funny." The dwarf said.

"All hobbits have round bellies." Bilbo mumbled, his anger seeming to melt a bit into a pout.

"I would have you no other way. I love you." Thorin said, lifting his head to gaze up at his captive.

Bilbo felt a blush creep into his cheeks and he swallowed loudly. "W-Well... I... That's... Hm." Oh, well this was awkward...

After a moment, Thorin released a soft chuckle and stood. "If you are not ready, do not push it. Your answer will come in time." He said softly, bringing up one hand to brush his partner's cheek.

Bilbo only replied with a nervous cough before his lips were caught in a gentle kiss. It lasted only a few moments, but was so sweet the hobbit found himself smiling and seeking more, following Thorin's mouth as he pulled back a short ways. Eyes darting from the hobbit's lips then back to his eyes, he whispered, "I'm just pleased it distracted you from your anger."


	2. Chapter 2

I want to apologize for this, because I did not mean to continue this fic, but I realized I really kind of should because I accidentally left it open...

Also this was supposed to be a fluffy fic, but with this new chapter I kind of took on a really different tone.

There should only be one other chapter after this one.

Anyway, hope you enjoy it!

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_"__I do believe the worst is behind us."_

The number of times Bilbo felt himself cursing his words was beyond count. Nowadays he often mumbled them under his breath sarcastically, chiding himself on his foolishness. More than once an elf would look up sharply at the sound, probably thinking themselves crazy as they sat alone in a room. Admittedly, when that occurred, Bilbo felt his mood improve slightly with a bit of humor.

At the moment however, he was muttering his curses to an empty hallway devoid of any elven guards. So far, he'd managed to locate the cells of twelve of his companions, most of whom had been happy to see him safe and sound outside of the bars of their prisons. Bofur had inquired about his health, Fili had asked for news of his brother, and Bombur had practically begged for Bilbo to sneak him snacks from the kitchen. Every one of the dwarves had wanted to know if the Burglar had found any sign of their missing leader. He was forced to dejectedly explain that he had no more idea where Thorin Oakenshield was than any of the rest of the company.

Oh Thorin... What a mess Bilbo had gotten himself into with the King of the Mountain. After that rather interesting confession outside of Beorn's house, Thorin had taken to saying it whenever he deemed necessary. He never pressured Bilbo into returning the words, but when "I love you" was whispered into his already twitchy hobbit ears every night as they curled up together, it was hard not to feel apprehension. It wasn't that he didn't care for Thorin, because he did, more strongly than he had felt about anyone! It was just... When he thought about those words, considered their meaning, a rock seemed to drop in his stomach and a lump pushed at his throat. He could hardly bring himself to think about it, let alone say it. So he pushed it off, simply smiling at Thorin whenever he said it or burying his face in his furs. Poor Thorin though... He was patient; he managed to look at Bilbo without seeming expectant or desperate. However, recently the hobbit thought he could see something else lingering in his gaze. It might have been worry or something else, he wasn't sure, but he thought that perhaps his hesitance had begun to take its toll on the dwarf.

Bilbo peeped his head around the corner, glancing both ways down the hallway that intersected his path. He hadn't been down the left of this hallway yet and it seemed empty as far as he could see, so he decided to follow it. A few times, the passage turned and he passed several doors, but they weren't what he was looking for. After a few minutes of walking, he paused at the sight of two armed guards standing by a door. Hope flared up inside of him. Stationed guards meant there was something or someone important behind that door. Unfortunately, checking to see would require him to approach, which presented the possibility of being discovered. The ring made him invisible, but not silent after all.

So he waited, leaning against the wall just around the corner from the guards. Inevitably, the guard would change shift. Often this would leave doors unguarded for a precious few minutes. Thankfully, after more than an hour of waiting, the two elves departed, gossiping quietly about strange dwarves locked away in their kingdom. Bilbo carefully sidestepped the pair, holding his breath until they were past before he made for the door.

As he'd gathered from a distance, it was a rather inelegant wooden door. There was no painted patterns or wrought iron leaves adorning it. In fact, if it hadn't been for the guards, he would have passed it, assuming it had been a pantry of some sort. Closer now, he was able to see iron bars around a window through the door. Lifting himself onto his toes, he peered through the hole and into the room.

While the room was fairly dark, his eyes were immediately drawn to the figure sitting hunched over on a cot in the back of the room. Bilbo just barely caught himself from crying out in relief. Checking quickly to see if the next shift of guards was near, Bilbo ducked from the door and practically tore the ring from his finger, shoving it back in his pocket.

"Thorin!" He hissed lowly, pulling his face back to the bars.

The dwarf prince's head snapped up immediately, weary blue eyes suddenly coming to life at the sight of his hobbit. He was off of the cot in an instant, crossing the small cell with quick strides until he was pressed to the door as well. "You found me." He breathed.

Bilbo's face flickered into a soft smile. "Of course I did." He said, even though he was thinking, Thank god that I did...

"My little Burglar..." One of Thorin's hands wiggled out between the bars and cupped Bilbo's cheek, drawing him in for a sweet kiss between the cold iron bars of the cell.

Oh how Bilbo had missed this. He felt the worry from the past week melt away under Thorin's lips and a warmth settled in his belly, pleasant and comforting.

"I love you..." Thorin breathed, drawing away to press a soft kiss on the hobbit's forehead.

"I found all of the others, everyone's safe." Bilbo said in a rush. "Now that I found you we can try to find a way to escape... Though I don't know how much time I have, the next guards could be here at any moment..."

"Then I wish to use this remaining moment wisely." Thorin's gaze was suddenly intense, a look of fierce determination etched across his features. He removed his hand from between the bars. "Give me your hand Bilbo."

"What- Thorin, I don't know what you intend to do but-"

"Now, Halfling." The dwarf half growled. An order if Bilbo had ever heard one.

So Bilbo obeyed, wondering about the stubbornness of dwarves and stuffed his right hand into the cell. Almost immediately he felt a weight thrust upon the index finger of his hand.

"Your fingers are far smaller than I had anticipated." Thorin grouched.

Bilbo pulled his hand back as soon as he was released to examine the weight. Thorin had placed a ring upon the finger, the same heavy silver and blue band he had always worn. "What-"

"We will have it resized for you as soon as I am able." Thorin interrupted, that intense look on his face staring back at him through the bars. Bilbo could swear there was a hint of apprehension in his eyes though, some fear... "That is, if you choose accept it."

"What are you... Accept what?" Bilbo hissed back, his own ideas of what this could mean driving him to what might have been a mild panic.

"My proposal. If you will have me."

"Propos- Thorin! This is hardly the time or place! We are prisoners in the Elf King's land!"

"And I have had more than enough time to dwell on the thought. There is no better time than now. If I have to rot in this cell, I would prefer to do so with some hope for the future."

"Thorin... I don't know if I can just..."A sigh, "These things take time to think about..."

"Then think on it. But keep my token. It will bring me comfort knowing a piece of me is with you." Once more, that large hand reached between the bars to cup Bilbo's face so tenderly it was hard to believe who it belonged to.

"I will. I'll keep it and I will find a way to free you and the others." Bilbo said thickly around the growing lump in his throat.

"Now go and hide my little Hobbit. The guards are coming..." One last kiss to the forehead and Thorin retreated back into the confines of his cell.

He was right, Bilbo heard soft voices approaching as the next shift came. So silently, he broke from the door slipping the gold ring onto his left hand, a heavy, but warm weight now hanging on his right.

On his hand, the blue and silver ring hung heavy, on his mind, Thorin's words threatened to overwhelm him.


	3. Chapter 3

This whole plot started out as a fluff piece.  
I accidentally turned it into horrible angst.  
I'm not sorry.

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_Silver and blue shining on metal danced around him, the brush of a calloused hand against his cheek, a rumbling voice that shifted between honey and dragon fire, and suddenly he was drowning, swept away in a sea of glittering gold. He was sinking, entombed in riches. Then there was a light, soft at first, growing until it blotted out all else, blinding in it's glory and brilliance. For a moment, he was content, he was warm, he was hopeful._

_ Drip. Drip. Drip._

_ There was no wound, no pain, but there was blood. So much blood. Smeared on his hands, on his face, everything. A scream tore from his throat._

Bilbo sat up so quickly, he nearly passed out, a pain against his skull nearly dragging him back into blackness. For several moments, all he could do was press his head against his knees and breathe as the world spun around him. The images of his dream, vision, nightmare, whatever it had been, began to fade, replaced slowly by the memories they represented.

The hobbit's arms tightened on his knees, holding back a sob that threatened to escape from his throat.

"What have I done..." he croaked.

He had tried so hard to do what was right, to make the choice that would save everyone, no matter the personal cost. He had paid dearly and he had failed.

_ "__Take him if you wish him to live; and no friendship of mine goes with him."_

_ Thorin's eyes cut him more than his words, more than any wound. Those clear blue orbs had looked upon him in doubt, in wonder, in love, but never before in such blind hate. Bilbo's legs were weak beneath him under that gaze and he felt tears prick at his eyes._

_ "Go down now to your friends! Or I will throw you down."_

_ Bilbo opened his mouth, desperate to explain himself, hoping to get the King Under the Mountain to understand. He looked upon Thorin, searching his face, before he closed his mouth and lowered his head in resignation._

_ Before, the king's eyes were two toned in emotion, showing the face he put on and, if one looked closely enough, the emotions he concealed. Now, Thorin's eyes held only rage and greed for the treasure lost to his family so long ago, his precious Arkenstone._

_ "Then my answer matters naught." Bilbo whispered, the lump in his throat making it almost impossible to speak. The hobbit took a cautious step forward, his eyes on the stone at Thorin's feet. Hands trembling, he slid a too large silver and blue band from his finger and placed it carefully on the ground before him. The ring had represented a promise from the King, a proposal of a shared life together. Now it was only a torn fantasy. Bilbo never had given his answer, he had never even admitted to loving Thorin, could never bring himself to say the words. Now he never would._

_ The King Under the Mountain only looked on at his actions, blue eyes blazing with a rage more burning than dragon fire._

Bilbo had tried to save the lives of his companions, the humans of Laketown, even the elves of Mirkwood. Knowing that Thorin would never forgive him, he had stolen the Arkenstone out of Erebor and into the hands of those the Dwarf King proclaimed as enemies. He had done it to prevent war, to stop more lives from being lost. As he stood, he looked across the battlefield and wanted nothing more than to weep at how naïve he had been. There were so many bodies scattered across the fields, blood seemed to run in rivers down the slopes of the Lonely Mountain.

His chest constricted, his breathing hitching violently as he succumbed to his grief. Never before had he felt so small, so useless against the world. Tears burned on his cheeks as he sunk back to the ground, curling into as tight a ball as he could. He was of no use to anyone...

It was several more hours before Bilbo was discovered, cold and pale in his misery, by one of the human soldiers. The hobbit spoke little to the man as he was carried toward Dale. Several times, he tried to bring up the success of the battle, how Dale and Erebor would once more be prosperous thanks to his help, but Bilbo only felt sick.

"Bilbo Baggins!"

The hobbit turned his head to find a familiar, grey clad figure hurrying toward him, a smile bright against his face. The man from Dale gently set him down on his feet, patting him lightly on the shoulder before he departed the pair.

"Gandalf..." At the sight of the old wizard, Bilbo felt his mood brighten slightly. "All this blood... I was wondering if anyone survived..."

The wizard clasped Bilbo's shoulder firmly with one hand. "Many have survived my friend." He assured the hobbit.

"Many... But not all. The company...?" Bilbo asked. His friends... He wasn't sure if they hated him for his betrayal, but he hoped that they had at least survived.

"That... Can wait until later." Gandalf replied, his expression darkening. "You are called for and time is short."

Bilbo felt bile rise in his throat at the words, at the contained urgency in the wizard's words. "What has happened?"

"I think it best you come see." Gandalf sighed, placing a hand on Bilbo's back and guiding him forward toward a tent nearby.

As Bilbo entered the tent alone, he was struck almost immediately by the strong scent of blood. His eyes passed across the space, fearfully seeking the source. He saw discarded cloth soaked in blood, armor rent nearly in half and spattered with red and black blood, a battered and war stained axe, and he was terrified. He knew who lay upon the cot in the room before he looked upon the shattered body.

"No..." He choked on the denial, nearly falling as he crossed the room, his legs suddenly failing him. "Not him... No..."

Bilbo collapsed to his knees next to the King's body. He grasped for that big hand, calloused and scared and stained in his own blood. It was so cold... "This isn't what I wanted...!"

Thorin's hand curled into the touch and his eyes opened, bearing down on the hobbit. "My little Burglar..." he whispered, his voice soft and broken.

"No... Don't, please... I don't deserve..." Bilbo sobbed, head shaking even as the fallen King's hand cupped his cheek. The touch was so gentle, so familiar... "I betrayed you..."

"Hush." Thorin said, hand clenching at the blood soaked bandages on his chest. He let out several horrible, wet coughs, his face paling even further. "I have little time, but I refuse to fade until I have... Until I have mended the wrong I did to you..."

Bilbo saw tears drip down the dwarf's cheek. Without thinking, he reached up and wiped one away as gently as he could. Thorin turned his head and placed the softest of kisses upon his palm as he did. It was all the hobbit could do to bite back a sob.

"I am sorry... So sorry... The gold... The jewels... The Arkenstone..." Thorin gave a weak laugh, bathed in regret. "What good do they do me while I lay here dying? What good are they in life compared to you? I had... Forgotten that. I do not ask for you forgiveness... I don't deserve it. I only wish you to know, before I pass, that I will always love you..."

With a pained grunt, Thorin raised up the hand Bilbo was not holding, dragging it with difficulty over the horrible wounds covered his chest. He pushed a small object into the hobbit's hand. "It will always be yours." He murmured.

Bilbo gazed at the familiar blue and silver ring in his palm, his body shaking with renewed grief. He clenched his eyes shut for a moment against the sight, even as Thorin's hand reached out to brush his cheek.

"I love you, Thorin..." Bilbo said finally, and he meant it. Forcing himself to look upon the dying King, he knew he had loved Thorin for a long time. Maybe he had only denied it to himself for fear of being hurt. Something had always seemed to hold him back from admitting his fondness to the dwarf King. He had wondered if perhaps his heart was merely made of stone, if he was incapable of love toward this dwarf. Or perhaps he always knew something like this would happen and he had tried to protect himself. But not admitting his love, even to himself, hadn't stopped this horrible pain, hadn't stopped the bliss from merely being in his presence all these weeks. "A-And... My answer is yes. It has always been yes... I want to bind myself to you Thorin..."

Those perfect blue eyes looked upon him, full of love and hope. The King Under the Mountain no longer seemed troubled, by his impending death or otherwise. "Describe it to me..."

"...Describe what, my love?"

"Our life together. What will it be like?" Thorin asked, his smile stretching across his split and bloodied lip. "Perhaps I will return to the Shire with you. A nice quiet life..."

"Nice and quiet." Bilbo agreed, his voice cracking. "W-When we get there, we'll have to deal with my relatives though, but I'm sure you'd love to scare them off, wouldn't you? Bag End would be perfect for us. The bed is spacious and soft, we wouldn't want for good food or drink. It's not very dwarven though, but we could redecorate a bit. A little home improvement could be fun..."

"I could be a grocer perhaps..." Thorin said, voice weak, but eyes twinkling with humor.

"I think that'd be perfect..."

Bilbo spoke for a long time about their future together, clinging to the perfect vision. Thorin listened attentively until his eyes drifted closed and he drew his final breath. He passed with a tender smile, his fingers entwined with his burglar's. And Bilbo wept, clinging to his lost hope as he continued to weave their future together on his words alone.

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Okay, so lucky for you guys, it doesn't end here.

I made a sequel titled "Tomorrow Starts With You."

Enjoy. :3


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